Beverly Hills, December 31, 2018; 10PM.
To those who belong in my heart and who helped me build my soul.
I am not particularly fond of big celebrations, especially birthdays, Christmases, and above all, New Year’s Eve; those who know me well know that about me. The entire month of December is an intense struggle for me, it begins with my birthday on the 6th, and then it’s just full throttle until about mid-January when people finally stop sending well-wishes and all that good stuff that we are all happy to hear. It’s not that I am not pleased to get them, it’s that it makes me feel uncomfortable, insecure and awkward. Why? No clue; nor am I interested in finding out. I have grown accustomed to this part of myself, of all things that could be strange about me, I believe this is the least problematic. I have chosen in recent years that these special times are for me an opportunity to look within and reflect on the things I should improve on, and also congratulate myself on. I decided that meditation and space are necessary for me not to fall into the traps of the mind, which historically have taken control of me during these times.
With this note, I would like to take a moment to share with you my gratitude and eternal appreciation. I would like to share that none of the gestures went unnoticed. I would like to state for the record that if I failed to respond to a note or nudge in a timely manner, it’s because I am profoundly insecure in this moment of my life. Every little thing sets off the panic buttons inside me, and then I retreat. This is a lousy flaw to have, especially in a time when I need so much to get me off the ground, and especially when so many of you have shown up and riled up around me with love and support. I would probably not be writing this note right now if it wasn’t for you.
If I didn’t answer any birthday messages, its not you, it’s me. Don’t take it personally, I have not answered ANYBODY’s notes, because I am an equal opportunity non-answerer and because I made a conscious decision to write this letter, on this day. Please understand, I have a real irk about answering in a hurry to people and messages that should be answered with time, care and attention because they are supposed to be meaningful, honest and from the heart, not from obligation. I have birthday cards sitting on my desk that I haven’t even read, only because I don’t feel I would be doing them justice if I wasn’t to be entirely dedicated to their message.
I hope that this new year will bring me atonement, clarity, peace of mind and strength to keep going on. I hope that I am able to keep the things I learned at the top of my mind and that I am able to learn from the many mistakes I made. I wish, for those I’ve hurt, that they have nothing but joy, peace of mind, and good fortune; I hope they can be patient just a little more and trust that I will repair the mistakes that I have made.
I wish that this new year brings me back to me, I hope that I can understand myself a little bit better and treat myself with more respect and dignity. I have raped my soul and torn it apart in the hopes of finding who I really am, and I am still at a loss. Perhaps this is what it was meant to be like all along, and the next chapter will unfold in a less copacetic manner, but a much more purposeful and rewarding one? I leave this question to the air so that the Gods and Goddesses can answer at their convenience.
I love you, believe me, and we will meet again soon.
With much admiration and gratitude, yours,
Gabriel, Mano, Rocha, Pai, Gabe, Gabby, Gabri, Marlene, Pirua, Seu Piru, Guri, Gabi, Puta, Bil, Bee, Gurl, G.
“The best is yet to come.”