website original – GABRIEL RUAS SANTOS ROCHA

#HappyNewYear

Beverly Hills, December 31, 2018; 10PM.

To those who belong in my heart and who helped me build my soul.

I am not particularly fond of big celebrations, especially birthdays, Christmases, and above all, New Year’s Eve; those who know me well know that about me. The entire month of December is an intense struggle for me, it begins with my birthday on the 6th, and then it’s just full throttle until about mid-January when people finally stop sending well-wishes and all that good stuff that we are all happy to hear. It’s not that I am not pleased to get them, it’s that it makes me feel uncomfortable, insecure and awkward. Why? No clue; nor am I interested in finding out. I have grown accustomed to this part of myself, of all things that could be strange about me, I believe this is the least problematic. I have chosen in recent years that these special times are for me an opportunity to look within and reflect on the things I should improve on, and also congratulate myself on. I decided that meditation and space are necessary for me not to fall into the traps of the mind, which historically have taken control of me during these times.

With this note, I would like to take a moment to share with you my gratitude and eternal appreciation. I would like to share that none of the gestures went unnoticed. I would like to state for the record that if I failed to respond to a note or nudge in a timely manner, it’s because I am profoundly insecure in this moment of my life. Every little thing sets off the panic buttons inside me, and then I retreat. This is a lousy flaw to have, especially in a time when I need so much to get me off the ground, and especially when so many of you have shown up and riled up around me with love and support. I would probably not be writing this note right now if it wasn’t for you.

If I didn’t answer any birthday messages, its not you, it’s me. Don’t take it personally, I have not answered ANYBODY’s notes, because I am an equal opportunity non-answerer and because I made a conscious decision to write this letter, on this day. Please understand, I have a real irk about answering in a hurry to people and messages that should be answered with time, care and attention because they are supposed to be meaningful, honest and from the heart, not from obligation. I have birthday cards sitting on my desk that I haven’t even read, only because I don’t feel I would be doing them justice if I wasn’t to be entirely dedicated to their message.

I hope that this new year will bring me atonement, clarity, peace of mind and strength to keep going on. I hope that I am able to keep the things I learned at the top of my mind and that I am able to learn from the many mistakes I made. I wish, for those I’ve hurt, that they have nothing but joy, peace of mind, and good fortune; I hope they can be patient just a little more and trust that I will repair the mistakes that I have made.

I wish that this new year brings me back to me, I hope that I can understand myself a little bit better and treat myself with more respect and dignity. I have raped my soul and torn it apart in the hopes of finding who I really am, and I am still at a loss. Perhaps this is what it was meant to be like all along, and the next chapter will unfold in a less copacetic manner, but a much more purposeful and rewarding one? I leave this question to the air so that the Gods and Goddesses can answer at their convenience.

I love you, believe me, and we will meet again soon.

With much admiration and gratitude, yours,

Gabriel, Mano, Rocha, Pai, Gabe, Gabby, Gabri, Marlene, Pirua, Seu Piru, Guri, Gabi, Puta, Bil, Bee, Gurl, G.

“The best is yet to come.”

500 Answers – Purpose in Life

What do you believe is your purpose in life?

When I turned 15 my stepmom’s gift was an astrological birth map. There were beautifully drawn charts filled with codes and symbols I could not understand. The package included two cassette tapes. We sat together on her bed and put the tapes on, carefully listening to the soothing voice of the astrologer, who along with my stepmom explained every piece of that delicate puzzle. This recording revealed, bit by bit, my entire life’s plan and journey according to the stars. I was impressed.

A lot of it rang true and sounded like I was on my way to making my dreams come true. There was one thing however that sounded odd. The astrologer told me I would have a successful career taking care of people and/or managing businesses.

“This makes no sense, I would never do something like that, I wanna make movies”

Well, making movies might have been what I wanted, but it wasn’t my path. At age 17 I was approached by a modeling agency to join their staff and hired on the spot. Lo and behold, I ended up managing careers, making them into businesses and looking after people for a living.

Truth be told, I had been doing that all my life, I just didn’t know it. I looked out for my friends in school and helped out anyone who needed assistance. That is still true for me today. Whether I am at work or not, I’m always looking out for my people. To me, there is no greater pleasure than lending someone a hand. Friends and strangers benefit from this quality – to different degrees, but they all do.

Michelle Alves for Vogue Italia shot by Steven Meisel

I will never forget when Michelle Alves, one of the first models I ever worked with, sent me a note right before Christmas. She thanked me for what I had done for her, and that was it. All I had done was to send her flight details via fax and pick her up at a fashion show. I was a young assistant then and this was the first time any model had ever thanked me for my work. That day I felt for the first time that I had a purpose; I felt for the first time that I could make a difference in someone else’s life.

500 Answers – Message in a Bottle

While at the beach you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say? Who would you like to find it?

Dear Gabriel,

You were once young, much younger than you are now, which was far younger than I am today. You didn’t know, no one knew. We launch into life empty, some hopeful (as you were), some not. Some are barely alive, they can hardly be called vessels; but you were.

A shining example of endurance, fueled by dreams and passion. You lacked in pedigree but made up for it in the way you made those around you feel important. You made friends and brought them along with you. For every new victory you looked back to hug and acknowledge all those in your path. You would not have won without them: the nay-sayers, the cheerleaders, the silent companions; they were all there for you. You knew it and you shared it.

You inherently knew it, joy when shared multiplies. Through your suffering you gave joy, through your malaise you gave joy, through your losses you gave joy. You gave joy when there was none left. Where did you find it? I tell you, some questions go unanswered. Certain troubles not even God can reconcile, but that doesn’t stop him from inquiring, as it never stopped you from seeking.

Don’t stop now, don’t stop ever, that’s what makes you who you are. Believe in yourself, hold on to your friends and never stop asking the questions. This will make you a winner.

With love,

Gabriel.

Try

6:15
wake up and it feels strange
on the wrong side of the bed
coffee spill denotes nothing will change

time to try something different
wear clothes inside out

9:15
underestimated
undervalued
unapreciated
work sucks

time to try something different
put a smile on that frown

12:15
lunch is cold
scream for silence
turn the table
make a fuss

time to try something different
burn the past
open the door to the future

time to try something different
forget insecurity

2:15
the clown is pursuing drama
that train left the station

time to try something different
time to make it new

4:15
fire the boss
yell at a deaf man
just to make sure

time to try something different
pack the bags with air
go on a mission

7:15
cat’s out the window
let him go

time to try something different
wake up
shake up the world

Unusual Names and Number One Hits

Madonna and Lady Gaga occupy colossal space in the cultural spectrum. One is named after a saint, the other after a Queens song. Few would question the impact these artists have had on pop music and, frankly, like Prince and others before them, their high-octane names can’t hurt their evolutionary power. So, why can’t these women get along?

Both of them have been the topic of a much discussed feud. The first one, a staple in pop culture for over 30 years. The second one, a more ambiguous but equally explosive presence in the pop scene. But let’s face it: Madonna is a tough act to follow. While Madge is the reigning Queen of Pop, there seems to be a general consensus that Lady Gaga is after her throne. Whether a dethroning is underway or not is not the point. Their unique and explosive impact on our lives makes them kindred artistic spirits.

Madonna is a tough act to follow because she ignited conversations many moons ago, and has continued to do so year after year. Raising awareness to hot topics like women’s rights, gay rights, political and religious freedom, and among many other things, above all, freedom to express yourself, in any way you’d like; Madonna pushed buttons. From the start, Madonna climbed to the top of pop culture’s Pantheon and there was no argument, she was a phenomenon, she was the Queen of Pop.

Decades later, when Lady Gaga came on the scene, she was too admittedly greatly influenced by the works of the pop diva. But there hadn’t been anything as fresh and groundbreaking as Madonna in all that time. There hadn’t been anyone willing to expose their creative insanity in order to ignite controversy, bust open taboos, and once again challenge tired social mores.

And even though Madonna’s fan base is huge, there are new kids on the block (no pun intended) who have no concept of what the material girl has done for them, kids who don’t understand the difficult fights she was instigating. Somehow, she made it unscathed. But she was the first one, and perhaps that is why she was able to push the envelope every time and still come out a winner on the other side. She was selling records and concerts, but she was also changing lives along the way.

Like Madonna, Lady Gaga aims to reach a wider audience, even though it doesn’t seem like her work translates as well. Her approach at times too far out and on the verge of desperation, she seems to be stuck within her “monsters”, the majority of them members of the LGBT community, like me. But she is, unquestionably, breaking new ground, blowing apart boundaries and educating an entirely new generation. Let’s hope her monster base expands along with her message.

Elton John greatly criticized Madonna, instigating brawls in the media. But why? What is the goal of this man, who did too, revolutionized thoughts and invited discussions. Shouldn’t he know better and just let artists do what they do best, and let them continue to create thought provoking work in whatever way they please? And I will go even further now. If there is a feud between Madonna and Lady Gaga, shouldn’t the two of them also know better? It’s not about who came first or who is the Queen of Pop, but it’s about their work and the message they are trying to convey.

Even though many will argue that we should not have to deal with a “message” and just be able to enjoy the music and have fun, there is still a message. The goal of these women is in great part to affect change, to make people think in a broader spectrum and to open their minds to different possibilities; each of these women in essence have proclaimed these same goals. They talk about inclusion and acceptance of others, so why aren’t they more accepting of each other, since they are both working towards the same objectives?

Madonna will not lose her throne. Lady Gaga will eventually have to refresh and find new ways, because the regurgitation of ideas passed will get tired. Madonna has remained a staple in the cultural consciousness because she so cleverly reinvented herself and addressed topics from different perspectives. She has kept it fresh. Along the way, she made it possible for me and many other people I know to be who we are and to be proud and vocal about it, with no fear of consequences. Lady Gaga’s staying power remains to be seen. Each generation needs its muse and it is in this spirit of cultural evolution that I sincerely hope Lady Gaga has the same lasting impact on the new kids that Madonna has had on me.

There is still a long way to go in this world, but it’s greatly because of people like Madonna and Lady Gaga that we are able to evolve openly and accept each other as beautiful and flawed human beings that we are.

Deviled Eggs with Heather Graham

Perhaps it was the abundant steak tartare or the ever-flowing Grey Goose; regardless, the scene at the Clarkson in the West Village was very fun and social, sheer joy and camaraderie abounded. The crowd gathered to celebrate the New York premiere for the gut-wrenching film At Any Price, directed by the talented Ramin Bahrani.

As intense as this film is however, after the credits rolled in there was no somberness to these celebrants. The model Leigh Hoby walked in to a swarm of photographers who treated her like this film’s featured star; which she is not. The real star in this picture is the unforgettable Heather Graham. Even though one was wearing white and the other one black, the similarities were rather compelling. Without skipping a beat, a group of photographers made sure to put the two together for a portrait. Perhaps a friendship will blossom? Zac Efron, Adrian Grenier and Dennis Quaid observed from a safe distance and chuckled cheerfully with delight. Nat Wolff was the life of the party, flanked by his pals Heather Matarazzo and Josh Radnor. Andie Arthur exuded sweetness in her long black gown and leather jacket, a look that seemed effortless but not many could pull off.

The night resumed smoothly and soon enough a dance-floor was requested – no Cinderellas in sight here! An expert was called into action. Amy Sacco gathered a crew in a swift wave of her nocturnal magic wand and in two heartbeats they were all at No. 8. The heat in the mezzanine went up as the group could not stop the dancing. From disco to rock n’ roll, it all seemed to fit in the impeccable repertoire.

Peter Beard surfaced from a dark corner escorted by a tall and impressive man. “Where is Amy!?” – he interrogated. “I’m alive, and look at who I have with me!”. Amy appears with the statuesque Native American model Jade Tenholder – a rarity in this world – who just broke into the scene. After much back and forth on whether Peter could take pictures of his new muse upstairs, it was finally decided: “I wanna shoot you in Mozambique, you are the best thing that happened to me this year!”.

On that note the night came to a closing, after all, who needs any more than that?

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Oz may be great and powerful, but does this Disney remix of the classic really need four premieres in one city!? Probably not. But perhaps when you have a variety of sponsors ranging from luxury fashion labels to shopping networks, you should. Since in New York anything is a good reason to party, I decided to follow the yellow brick road leading to one of these gatherings to see what the fuss was all about.

It was another cold winter night and what I found was a very warm and friendly room. Among beautiful Sports Illustrated swimsuit models of every height and ethnicity, I made my way through the crowd. And what a cheerful, star-studded crowd this was. Emmy Rossum seemed to have drawn most of the attention to herself, and that’s understandable. The actress looked ravishing in a floral Oscar de la Renta number, which will hopefully be good omen for an early spring. Our leading man – and every person’s favorite Swiss Army knife – James Franco, had to make a quick appearance as he dashed from one screening to another..

Some of the attendees made of this a family affair and brought along their children to witness all the magic that only3Dseems to bring to the screen these days. Richard Kind couldn’t hide his excitement when leaving the venue with his girls; it was all very endearing to look at. Cynthia Rowley followed suit and was just another one in a group of fashion designers which also included John Varvatos. Now, this is not just another Disney affair, for when Salman Rushdie and Marina Abramovic show up, you know it is serious business. Disney delivered a great prologue to the fable we all came to know since we were children. They have updated a literature classic and still did justice to the unforgettable movie from 1939. This seemed to make Dick Cavett confused as he wondered if Judy Garland would also be making an appearance on-screen that evening. The comment was nothing but a good ol’ joke, I’m sure.

But who needs one leading lady, when you can have three of the most ravishing Hollywood stars of our time? Rachel Weiss, Michelle Williams and Mila Kunis not only look great on screen, but they know exactly how to deliver entertaining performances. And that’s what this movie is all about, an entertaining piece to be watched with a lot of pop corn on a Saturday afternoon. No need to over analyze it. If you ask me, however, whether this digital extravaganza will stand the test of time, I would be inclined to say it will not. I doubt anyone will ever be able to produce another Oz movie that is as timeless as The Wizard of Oz.

Stayin’ Alive with John Travolta

Every once in a while this humble writer is invited to join in on the fun with the Hollywood big league. “why?” you may ask, and the answer to that is very simple. My mother always said: “Honey, it’s not about how much money you make but the friends you have”. So, with some very important friends under my belt I move into the Hollywood party scene during awards season for some networking and some fun. But let’s be honest, mostly for the fun.

In a place in which orange trees grow out of living rooms and diamonds are as big as a baby’s head no excess is considered excessive. So what if I stepped on Penelope Cruz’s vitage Balmain dress and it ripped? It will most likely be in the trash bin tomorrow morning, along with the gift bags filled with all sorts of things you don’t really need.

The scene when you walk into this room is of camaraderie, there are no cameras in sight, some of the actresses aren’t even wearing their shoes anymore, they’re lounging in big white couches with their dates or their managers, always on the lookout for the funnest crowd to dance with. Could it be the comedy crowd, spearheaded by Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd, along with Aziz Ansari, Elizabeth Banks, Judd Apatow and Mindy Kalling? Or perhaps it’s the fashion crowd, in which old glam Valentino mixes in with nuveau luminaires Daniella Helayel and Zac Posen, who seem to love being sandwiched between Madonna, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi. Madonna by the way has her make up artist within reach, a luxury that only the very top echelon can afford. Every now and then she rushes to the edge of the dance floor where this handsome and happy latin man awaits with pads to dry her skin and retouch her lips. Now, that’s what I call luxury!

On the other side of the room things are getting interesting as Donna Karan walks in with Kelly Preston and John Travolta. They join in the fun with Bono and that heavenly creature that is Victoria’s Secret Angel Alessandra Ambrosio, now in a completely different outfit than she was wearing just a couple of hours ago. Her costume changes would put Cher to shame. With Bono and Alessandra deep in conversation, John does what he knows best and takes on the dance floor. Kelly and Donna, who seem to be best buds, follow suit. Laura Dern and Kate Walsh occasionally pop in but don’t linger, instead gliding from one group to the next, looking lovely with curls which never seem to be out of place.

John and Kelly are like a young teenage couple, never losing sight of one another, until… “Stayin’ Alive” begins to blast from the speakers. Now, you may ask yourself, “was this arranged just because John Travolta was there?”. The verdict is still out per that issue but as if on cue, John and Kelly took center stage, repeating the dance that defined the disco era. I, along with the rest of the crowd, turned as fast as I could and copied the moves, the entire mass a perfect line of incredulous denizens. John seemed a bit bashful at the response, but was clearly loving every minute of it. Octavia Spencer was beside herself, was she really witnessing this? Selena Gomez, Taylor Lautner and some other teenage star which will go unnamed (At thirty I am far too old in Hollywood years to keep up with all these kids names) seemed befuddled by the entire affair, disco is clearly a memory too distant for their young minds–“what is the commotion all about?” They took in a second or two and went back to chatting about their Instagram feeds — of course. Homework is in order for these kids.

The temperature rose and I needed to take a break for air, out through the orange trees and the piano and on to the patio, to join in the laughter of Ryan Seacrest and surprisingly, Macauly Culkin. Yes, remember him? That kid from “Home Alone” who went through all that stuff that no one cares about anymore? Yes, he was there too, along with Juliette Lewis and Jennifer Jason Leigh, which if you ask me, are pretty bad ass. A couple of Oscars walk by me heading towards the buffet, which reminds me: I haven’t eaten in hours!

I took a seat at the communal table next to Princess Mia Thermopolis Herself, Anne Hathaway. Congratulations are in order, for her, and the stunning Natalie Portman, who sat beside her. Unsure of why I was congratulating Natalie so late in the game I just went with it, I’m pretty sure she did something of merit just that morning. She gets me.

It’s nearly 4 AM and people have been dancing all night long; cute couples — both that came together and those that found each other on the dance floor — are beginning to make their fashionable exits one by one. Naomi Watts remains effortlessly chic, even when barefoot, accompanied by her gentleman of a husband Liev Shreiber who politely carries her shoes in one hand as the other proudly holds the hand of his wife. Another Naomi heads to the exit, this time Campbell, who remains very supermodel looking, without many smiles, perhaps only a few grins. No one cares, she’s Naomi Campbell.

People wait patiently in line for cars, already laughing over the ghosts of dance-floor’s past underneath heaters and sipping hot cocoa. It is just as lively out here as it is on the dance floor and as I look around I realize: this evening was the ultimate episode of “Dancing with the Stars” except in this short instance of my life, they are all real stars.